Monday, April 14, 2014

Public and Private Me

I must be shaped by the weather I grew up with. We have almost summer weather one day and predictions of snow the next this week. I can't be constant in my actions with the weather. One reason I don't do much yard work. When I would have time, it rains.
Which leads me to this post. My girls pointed out yesterday that I'm always longing (well, complaining) for something else. I'm not happy with the job, so I want to write (and make a living at it). I guess I am looking for that better day, but in the process, I cut down what I have.
I thought of the public me, the one who boosts everyone up, the one who causes faces to light up when they see me, the one who takes in the complaining and shoulders it. One of my spiritual gifts from a test taken years ago is encouragement. The other is mercy. I am forgiving to strangers.
I gather comments and faces internally. I mull them over. I dwell on them as much as I don't want to to do that. I'll make up stuff- imagine that a writer making up stuff.
Someone talked to me about Summer Triangle the other day. She started the conversation, "I'm not one of those God people." Did I hear a hint of criticism? She continued quickly, "but I couldn't stop thinking about her." I listened and said, "Well, I don't know really what I would do either. I'm not Maria."
"She wasn't even angry," this lady said.
"No, depressed some," I thought of my depression when I wrote the book, "I'm glad I'm not there any more."
What am I? I wonder. I change like the weather. I thought I was constant, and maybe I am. How I reacted hasn't changed, I'm just more verbal. The weather disappoints and so does life. But the weather brings bliss, too and so does life. The one Constant, I want to portray in all my life is Jesus. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
What is joy? There is the acronym J.O.Y.- Jesus, others and yourself. A nurse must have this, as does a mother. I learn to put others first. Sometimes a bitterness can arise from that. I'm not Mother Theresa. But I guess even she struggled at times.
So I think about what the girls said yesterday. Did I give so much to others, that they saw my weaknesses at home? The private me digging for refreshing. Finding joy in sharing Jesus in my writing, but still struggling with public giving person, who must build up to go out. I question where is the real me? We are who we are in the dark. Ouch, scary.
David always answered when I complained about going to work, "If it were fun, you'd pay them to go to work."
Yeah, but, shouldn't we have fulfillment in our work? I'm not making widgets, for God's sake. Writing fills my tank. When I can't write, I'm frustrated. Yesterday, I had fun at work. "I'll have to pay them to work, soon, if this keeps up," I quipped to my co-workers.
I, like Paul in Philippines, must learn to be content in all circumstances. He wrote that in context of one of my favorite verses, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." OK, I have that down for my Public Me. I need to work on the Private Me. I guess to borrow from Paul again, that is part of the working out my salvation. Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.
Strength for the day and joy in the journey- even at home.
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