Sunday, April 7, 2013

Can't Put a Price on Peace seems to be the day to cheer us on. Pastor Ken's sermon encouraged us after failure. A sermon series starting at Courage Church in Detroit will tell how to deal with your past. Both, I think, inform us not to look back.
Yesterday, we started the tax process,with papers from last year showing just a year ago what terrible shape I was in mentally. It seemed bombs exploded on our family from everywhere. The battle geared up before last April, but as I reviewed those forms, the shakiness of the sense of losing control on many fronts flashed into my mind. I filled with joy at what I have learned this past year, though, as well. I don't feel like I'm searching all over for solid ground in quick sand, today. I know now like never before, I am anchored on the Rock of Jesus.
I knew I was before, and I clung with all my might, but doubt and despair cause distress, not only in my job, but crashed everywhere. The stress relievers of walking, laughing, rest, did not work. Depression at some points can be compared to the flu. We wash our hands, stay out of crowds, don't kiss people, eat a proper diet and get plenty of sleep, then suddenly, the virus blind sides us, anyways, and we are in bed.
Precautions help, but may not always prevent an illness. As I recover from this past year, I have thought often on the malady. I haven't read much about Rick Warren's son, but I feel I understand how in our darkest moments, suicide plays at being the best option. Living is too painful. I know I sometimes just didn't care if I wrecked in the car and didn't make it.
I knew though the Lord would see me through. I kept calling myself a diamond in the making. Even when hope glimmered so dimly, it still glimmered. I didn't put myself in dangerous situations. I didn't take more pills than I should, although I thought briefly about it. I stayed away from alcohol.
Many days though, I know it was only God holding me up. I had to learn deep in my heart He loves me. I've believed this from a child. I had it easy with such loving parents and others demonstrating God's love to me. But as I continued to feel like a failure, beating myself up, God reminded me over and over, I am His child and Jesus is my righteousness. I can't ruin His reputation. When I felt guilty for my past sins, that I wasn't a good mother, He reminded me of His children that failed, but recovered. I learned from the parable of the prodigal son, how the father reacted. He had to let the son go, but he watched every day for the son's return. He didn't cling to the child, but let him grow. Oh, how hard that is.
We don't dwell in the past. That is not healthy, for sure. Part of my problem last year, I kept comparing myself to my past when I had been very strong in my Christian disciplines and life. I didn't fear. I had a scripture always ready. I jumped out of bed to be with God, reading my Bible and praying. Some days this past year, I could hardly drag my big toe out of bed. The down comforter was my friend. Yet, God, I sensed, met me there, in dreams and comforting thoughts.
That is how I know depression is not a person's weak will. It is an illness and the sooner we all realize that, I think people can help. Depression sometimes cannot be stopped as many other diseases can't either. Heart disease may be delayed if it is in one's family. Cancer in some instances may be avoided. Yet, how many of us can say, a person, who never smoked, got lung cancer? We live in a diseased world. We also have medications, treatments and are learning more each day how to enrich our lives.
The first three things on my to-do list every day are 1) Praise God! 2) Don't worry! and 3) See Beyond! Writing them down, seeing them in letters with my explanation marks, pushes me forward. I don't look back on my old job, as I read in the want-ads that they now have part time positions for RN's. The burden could have been lessened, but I truly am glad to be off the road. I love the people at my new job after only two weeks. I am adjusting, finding many blessings. I am where God wants me. I have peace.
Peace is something on which one cannot put a price has been said many times. I know it is true, now.
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