My soul contends with being unsettled. Some days I have been very tired, with either a sore back or sinus headache or both. Today I feel pretty good, but still tired for the one day off-yes, I will serve cheese and crackers with that whine. I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to track down information on James Satterfield, getting lost in that time and with the people of David and Mary Thompson's Mt. Hickory. Returning to tasks required determined effort. I found out Mary had the nickname Polly, I hadn't seen that in earlier research.
I wonder, am I afraid to finish Outside of Time? I have put it off, thinking about my article for The Way It Was. Now, I have a dog who wants me to scratch him. More distractions. I love the forceful nudging of the nose under my right forearm as I try to get back to typing. He is really shedding, too, with the warmer weather. The Rainbow(my vacuum cleaner) will get a workout soon.
Harrison, bored with my half hearted compromise of petting and typing, jumped off the couch. The taupe cat, Clarence, replaced him, but he doesn't know how to be demanding.
I seem to have lost the visual for my cursor, as well, now. Always seems to be something. I guess this is the light hearted attempt in my writing.
I think sleep deprivation factors greatly here. I may scrub this all or I may not and no one really knows. I miss that cursor. I want to see where the next character shows. Somewhat like life, yes? We want to see the whole path, and we can't.
I played around in my head with what I need to write. I just wanted to write quotes from Jan Karon's Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good, Monday. I finished it on that day off. But I ended up not posting here, but did write much on the work in progress. I posted those wonderful quotes on Facebook.
My life waits in the middle of a great big thought, not completed yet. I think of million things throughout the day, but time to polish those thoughts vanishes.
I also have my wonderful week in the Poconos that I have hinted about, but again, time for publishing evaporates. I feel pummeled some days.
To ease the back pain, I purchased a pool membership at the local motel, not as local as I like, but about fifteen minutes away. I watch the clock, timing the sessions for back relief. I'm sure stress adds to the pain.
I sense change lurking. I pray for a change, like suddenly. I fear a change not to my benefit. I know mishaps feel that way. Yet, all things work out for the good of those who love the Lord. Like last night, my battery died at work. Someone drove my daughter and me home. This morning, I called my brother for a ride and in the bargain got to see my niece and great nieces. Visits from out of town are whirl winds sometimes. Add to that, my schedule and time eludes a chance to see the girls. I fought frustration last night, but found joy this morning.
I try to hold on to that affirmation. Frustration at my work schedule blew my lid yesterday. I am so tired and want to have two days off together- ready for more cheese?- I cry. I weigh writing with my nursing career. What do I want to be doing in five years, even? I need to work within this situation of great co-workers and wonderful residents and families, close to my house. I don't want stress of management or a commute. I do miss home health with more weekends off and more respect. Yet, I withered there fighting with insurance companies, crawling around dirty floors doing wound care for smelly feet, kneeling for difficult blood draws, forgetting to call back with important information when the line is busy and the grinding computer work that never quits.
I decided to leave with Father Tim's quotes in Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good. It does fit, as do many things lately in my life teaching me.
"I think you could say I came to the end of myself. I really did want a show all my own, and He had to hammer me pretty hard to make me see it was all His. We don't like relinquishing the power we never had anyway, even though running the show ourselves never works.
"I surrendered everything to Him. What did I have to lose? What I had to gain was- believe it, Henry-everything. It's so simple, it baffles us; we're more enamored of what's grinding and hard."
Then he continues...
"What I've come to have - out of all that was grinding and hard- is a relationship. Bonhoeffer said it's not about hero worship, but intimacy with God."
I thought how I had to give up Jacob, the schemer, part of me. I plot my way to my dreams. I relish the hard work. I feared losing sight of Jesus, with my despair at the grinding. With that one prayer for humility, the world fell through. A tug of war, but I learned before I gird the armor, I need to put on love, as stated in Colossions three.
A discipline enforced from God, not to punish, but to refine. Someone else told the story of the goldsmith, heating the fire, skimming the dross and repeating to purify the gold with the result