Monday, June 11, 2012

Finally?

Six months into the year and I think I have finally gotten my picture into my life. The one I couldn't find on web images, yet so clear in my mind, I was certain it would just pop up. In my mind is a wooden yoke, empty in the snow, with a magnificent sunrise framed in it. My taking Jesus' yoke upon me in the dawning of a new day. The word image has to do. I never got over to Munnel Farm. I did see a yoke at the antique store in our mall, but I didn't buy it for the picture. Plus I'm hoping to not see snow for a long time.
Taking Jesus' yoke is really not as easy as it sounds. I want to power my life. I have drive, for goodness sake. Isn't that the American way? I found I worry about many things and even as I tried to not worry, my body responded with a rapid heart rate, diarrhea, and great fatigue. I so want this writing life, to escape nursing. I was most likely burned out. I felt like a functioning alcoholic, without the hangover from the vine. I managed to plug through work every day with no call offs. I wasn't doing the best job, though.
I'm reading Philip Yancey's book Reaching for the Invisible God.  Some things I'm getting out of this. One, I believe because of the fantastic imagination given to me, I can think of God and Jesus almost all the time. I do not forgot them in my daily life. So, I feel this is a blessing. Faith does come easy to me.
By the same token, though, I found an almost spiritual smugness about my intellect about God. For many years, I relied on my righteousness, my good works and even attitude. Then I had to struggle with the attitude as the bitter root grew and grew inside me. And this winter, as depression surrounded me like the heavy blanket it is, I found myself continuously asking God for help. I did not have "the luxury of waking up and finding(myself) righteous. ... a false perfectionism that lures one from grace."
I have had to accept as God's will the circumstances I am in every day. I cannot quit my job, yet. Each person I meet, is a divine appointment. My attitude is a choice that I must surrender to God every day. I pray daily that my attitude may be that of Christ's.
I have given up my burden to Jesus and taken His burden. For as the verse continues, it is easy and light. I must though lay mine down. And I must leave it there. This is something I need to do daily.
So the journey continues. I'm finding joy in Jesus, not in my own faith in Him. Each day is a day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
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