Have To

My writing journey peaks and then my feelings dam the flow. I cower with uncertainty. I buoy with kind words. People who read my works give positive reviews, well, except for that one I only heard second hand. He never confronted me. I didn't meet his expectations. Ricky Nelson move over.
Between fingers over my eyes, I peer at the next book release, lingering at the horizon. They only need to finish the cover and send me the proof. Edit and then release. Release for a small anticipating audience I expect.
Yet, with West Bow Press, Main Street will have larger distribution and will be branded. That word "branded" strikes terror in my need for independence. Story, a great story, is how I want it to be known. I don't want to fit into a mold. Still for marketing, brand is needed. Summer Triangle taught me that.
The need, not so much for acceptance, but monetary relief seems to drive me. I'm settling into God's timing. I have had to learn many lessons. Going through tough times carries that common theme. "I'm learning a lesson. I hope it will help someone else."
What about the lesson, if it had all fallen in place? What if I had gone "viral?" Would I still be learning lessons? There would be downsides of success, too, I'm told. I always felt that twinge of envy with the pity of childhood actors' fame. How many truly made the transition without turbulence into adulthood? Then again, how many of us do any way? We all struggle some what with changes.
I know not to look constantly at numbers. My page views down again. My bubble of ninety some in one day returned to the earth with the normal fourteen. I write because I have to. I write more to improve because I have to. I can't give up, even if no one reads me. I just have to.
I need to go back to my identity as writer. I have published. I may not do it the way manuals teach, but by God, I'm doing it. I find I teach on Face book. I'm sought out. My gut instincts led me. I watch in wonder as pathways open with blessings. I would not trade any of this. For even in the depression, poetry arose. As my friend says, "It's all good."
Hope rises. I'm entering a writing contest because there is no entry fee. Also, the idea for the entry accessed my mind. I won't hold my breath, but I love the story and writing, well you know, I have to.
Success in this world or not, I have to write. I do write for the reader, but mostly I do write for myself. I have to.

My author picture- it's me, no glamor.