Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Not Desperate

I read an interesting e-mail about not being too desperate with an agent. I thought, boy, I know those feelings. I don't have an agent, I haven't been to a full writer's conference, yet. The writing has to flow, be polished, done more.
There are days, I could just feel success of writing. It burns within me. My muscles are aching to do this full time. I'm desperate for it. I do want to leave my job, tell my boss off, and at least make money to research and write more. I guess I could deal with being famous, but that isn't my goal. I just want to tell the story of David and Mary Thompson some day.
Today is not one of those days. Fighting insurance companies, defending my actions to state inspectors, feeling like the system doesn't work as well as it should, somehow energized me. Maybe it was the late afternoon sunshine. I'm answering phone calls from doctor's offices, making referrals for help, checking the authorizations on visits, flying down the highway. I feel a rush from helping people.
Even with the families that have abandoned their ill, elderly relatives, I'm mad, but wonder what is the underlying problem. It seems this week, it has been a fight, a blow-up with not just one family, but a few, leaving the patients alone with  no help. And help is not immediate, even if the social worker at the hospital makes it sound that way or the patients and families hear it that way.
As much as I love writing, want to take care of my home, walk my dog sometime during a sunny afternoon, I feel what I'm doing this week is making a difference. I relaxed about making a second career with my writing, as I lean into what I'm to do today, I think the doors will open for writing in the right time.
Maybe again, it is the lengthening of sunlight that is giving me optimism this week. It could be I'm working a shorter week. Some 'atta girl's at work didn't hurt either.
Still if a patron out there would want to send me to Mt. Hermon Writer's Conference in California over Palm Sunday, I couldn't turn it down. I'm still dreaming, but I'm not desperate.
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