Last evening was my first walk since my back had spasms and then one day on call. The ambling with the dog refreshed me and no pain was even better. Yet, the beauty of a summer evening brought up an angst I couldn't explain. Thoughts of yesteryear, yes. Missing people who are now in a better place tried to capture me.
Seeing the male swan almost convulsing from I assumed too big of a fish in his slender throat, then the female looking so thin and small after the death of her baby almost brought tears to my eyes.
The perfect summer evening, stretching my legs, observing the green trees framed by the blue sky, baseball game and tons of cars parked around the field, brought a melancholy. It doesn't last. I wondered at how not too long ago I wrote about all the fun things of food, festivals and gatherings. I feel too strongly.
Was it wanting to share this evening with someone? My sister in California? A friend from long ago? A friend from today? My girls are growing, although still at home, a walk in the park with their mother holds no allure anymore.
I left the lake and the sad swan couple, watched the few adults swimming in the pool we had fun in many years ago. Now I can go there and swim as I please, no more babies to watch or worry about. But I haven't.
I trod up the road and round the corner to my house. My neighbors return after 3 weeks vacation. Oh, I'll get to hear the sound of little girls again. I'll get to see the chocolate lab in his pen and say, "Hey, Toby!" I'll miss them when their house sells and they move away. I've know the father since he was a baby. I like him now as a father. I love to watch his father take care of the little girls, it reminds me of my dad and what I missed.
The beauty of summer sometimes makes my heart ache. It used to be such a carefree time, but as I learned my twenty second year, as an adult the cares of this world take over, no matter the season. I am homesick for a better place, but in the meantime, I want to find pleasure in family, food and activities. I want to live life, but sometimes the melancholy helps us to remember the beauty of life, cherish each day and live.